I know very few things about Edward Cullen. I know he’s the “protagonist” of the Twilight series. I know I do not care for him or his stupid books. I also know that he’s a vampire, and that means he has the requisite super-strength and super-speed. He also sparkles, and while that is stupid, it is also neither here nor there for the purposes of today’s prompt. No, today I needed to realistically approach how a person with Edward Cullen’s abilities would do in a Fight Club situation, and still provide a bit of comeuppance for a character I have no great love for. As much as I would have liked to draw Edward Cullen with his face caved in, that probably wouldn’t happen unless it was a vampire fight club or something. Alternatively, my friend suggested I draw Dracula realizing that Edward Cullen didn’t exist. I could have also drawn Edward Cullen crying after watching Fight Club. Instead, I drew this:
And I wrote this:
Edward Cullen had grown to love the thrill of the Fight Club. He had stumbled upon it one night after he realized that his life, long though it was, had turned him into what would have been called a pansy during his youth. He could still battle with the best of them, he felt, and so he sought out a local gym to take up kickboxing or something like that. Instead, he found himself in the basement of the local VFW hall with a bunch of other sweaty men who felt that they had something to prove. They had given him a list of rules and he followed them, even loved them, and started attending the meetings with an almost religious zealousness. He was careful to keep his supernatural nature under wraps, however, since he initially believed this might have negative consequences. All of that went out the window several months after he started fighting.
He remembered it well. He had punched a man, named Rob or Bob or something that he could no longer remember, just hard enough to break his nose. The blood poured freely and Edward felt the blood-lust flow through him. When he regained his sanity, he was standing over three dead men and Edward was covered in blood. He could feel his fangs against the open air, and he hisses and backed into the corner, ready to fight his way out if he had to. Instead, the other fighters cheered and they lined up to test their skills against the vampire.
Each meeting brought new faces. Edward didn’t kill all of them, he regained enough humanity to avoid doing that. He wasn’t gentle with them, either, and he won against every man who dared face him. Occasionally, someone would come in who was sick or weak or depressed, someone who was tired of fighting or too cowardly to take their own lives. In these instances, Edward would kill, and he would feed. It worked well for everyone. Edward felt that he was finally regaining a ferocity he thought he had lost decades ago. Tonight was no different. The man had said that his name was Roy. Roy lost his family in a fire and had tried very hard to live his life without them, but it had been hard. Too hard, said Roy, and soon Edward was standing over his broken body. Roy had gotten a few good punches in, but they were half-hearted and more to give the people a show than anything else. In return, Edward snapped his neck and punched a hole through Roy’s torso. Someone screamed something about a fatality, but someone always did. Edward crouched to feed while Roy was still warm, but the gentle susurrus that had previously filled the room was replaced with thick footfalls. Edward looked up and his eyes went wide.
“You’re dangerous,” he said.
“Only to monsters like you,” said Simon Belmont, and soon, Edward felt Belmont’s whip tighten around his neck. The man was stronger than anything Edward had ever faced, and even though he struggled, he knew that this was the end. It had been a good life, more or less.
Simon Belmont drove the stake into Edward Cullen’s heart and yanked his whip, forcing Edward’s head to pop off of his body. Behind him, an armored man named Matsu Her-O shot off two blasts, incinerating both of them. Matsu smirked. Simon thought eh smirked a bit too much, really, but the man had proven useful. Matsu had come to Simon after another one of Dracula’s defeats, and had alerted the vampire hunter to Edward Cullen’s activities. They both decided that this couldn’t stand, and a quick trip deposited Simon and Matsu outside of an abandoned video store. They were too late to save Edward’s latest victim, but they swore that he wouldn’t take another life.
“All in a day’s work,” said Matsu, who saluted Simon. Suddenly, Simon was back in Dracula’s castle. The casket was filled with dust and a note that said, “Thanks for helping!” It was from Matsu. Simon shook his head and smiled. Dracula would be back. He would always be back, and Simon would always be ready.
This is Many Super Adventures! MATSU HER-O GO! canon.